In The Simpsons‘ seventh season, dive bar owner Moe Szyslak attempted to class up his joint by turning it into a family restaurant. In his homemade commercial, he said patrons would love his new business venture ‘if you like a whole lot of crazy crap on the walls.’ We can’t be sure, but it feels like the writers for that show got their inspiration from Moose McGillycuddy’s.

Hardly what you could call a chain, Moose’s has a mere four establishments in operation–two in California, one on Maui and a fourth in the center of Waikiki. Downstairs, you’ll find the family-friendly atmosphere in spades, complete with the crazy crap on the wall. But venture upstairs in the late evening, and you’ll find a completely different affair, [featuring...well], more crazy crap on the wall.

All elements of wholesomeness dissolve into full party mode once you make your way to the adult table, complete with a televised clock counting down the days, hours and seconds until the next New Year’s party. Televisions are placed everywhere, mostly showing videos of whatever happens to be playing at the time, interspersed with advertised drink specials along with the occasional reminder to drink responsibly. And that’s the last time you’ll read the word ‘responsible’ in this column.

The club section of Moose’s is enormous, featuring two huge bars that can get so crowded even on the evenings most clubs consider ‘off’ nights and both of which require major cleavage to get the attention of the bartenders. Or you might consider throwing out some free bling into the crowd so you can walk up unobstructed. Fortunately, the many servers are fast and attentive, and constantly roam looking for people with empty hands. Just as prevalent are security, who are ready to pounce on anybody who fails to heed the advertised PSAs.

There’s plenty not to like about the place, from its generic personality geared toward tourists to the watered-down drinks. But if you stay a while, you’ll find that Moose’s has a fiercely loyal clientele. ‘It’s the only place I go to,’ says Jason Bonney, 23. Originally from Virginia, Bonney’s been coming here for three years. ‘I learned to dance here,’ he continues. ‘All of my friends come here, and it doesn’t matter about race or class. We’re all here to dance. Some of us dance good, like me, some of us dance bad. But we’re all dancing.’

But make no mistake–this isn’t the place to take your significant other. It runs as a major pick-up joint, mostly for the newly-legal drinking crowd, though the older and uglier have a chance if they’re willing to wait it out. .

Unlike most clubs, however, Moose’s offers something that most others do not: refuge from the cigarette smoking masses. With all the action on the dance floor, it’s nice to know that you’re safe here, where cigarette aficionados are sequestered into little ’smokerquariums’ lining the edge of the club, leaving you free to shake your humps without worry of ending your moves directly into somebody’s hot ember.

Moose McGillycuddy’s

310 Lewers St.

Getting In: 21+ bring ID Dress Code: Casual, though some nights have restrictions, check website for details Soundtrack: Usher, Kanye West, 50 Cent Sightings: Johnny Knoxville Signature Drink: nightly drink specials

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