Haleiwa Joe’s Seafood Grill / “I got a date,” said the fellow at the bar, who had been working up some liquid courage for at least a few hours. “Where should I take her?” I made my usual suggestions, with the admission that I’m probably not the best person to ask for romantic spots, as my sense of foreplay is shots of Jäger with a Pabst chaser.

He made suggestions of his own, asking for my take on a number of high-end, fancy-schmantzy, rape-your-wallet kind of places. “Basically,” he asked, “what place is pretty much guaranteed to get me laid?”

I explained that when I wanted a view, I go to a strip club, and when I want to impress someone, we get drunk, because that’s when I’m funnier, more interesting, a better dancer and I can kick anyone’s ass who says different. But as for a place that doubles as an aphrodisiac, I was at a loss. And then it hit me:

Haleiwa Joe’s at Haiku Gardens.

The Kaneohe location, nestled against the majestic walls of the Koolau Mountains is one of those spots where you get thunderstruck by the beauty of the island, particularly if you’re used to dim lighting at places like The Hideaway, where—let’s face it—there ain’t nothing beautiful going on. It’s easy to see why it doubles as a wedding hotspot. More impressive is how it manages to provide a comfortable ambience among the near-ridiculous scenery that you would expect in the latest Spielberg CGI-fest instead of a place for poke and prime rib.

Different management would likely take the space and turn it into something unbearably kitschy and pricey to let you sit back with a cocktail and enjoy the scenery. Not so here, where it opens an hour before the dinner menu is ready on weekdays, offering a discount on domestic beers, some of the specialty drinks (including the totally absurd Outside Double UP cocktail [pictured] and a fairly extensive pupu menu, though that’s no reason to rush down, as it manages to keep its prices reasonable throughout the night.

So it has the view, and it has the prices. It also has the advantage of being one of the only games in town when you’re in Kaneohe. But that’s not why you’ll see the bar stacked end-to-end on any given night. That strictly comes down to the staff, who have on every visit, been friendly, funny, a little flirtatious and always willing to put up with my dumb ass—even when I’m funnier, more interesting and a better dancer than the rest of them.

Visiting recently, bartender Shar Tulasoa put it best. “It’s a nice, mellow atmosphere that has a real hometown feel to it,” she said. “Come here twice and we’ll know your name, and you’ll know all of us. There are people who come here every Sunday morning for brunch, pounding on the gate and yelling my name to let them in. Some people literally grow up coming here, and they keep coming back.”

But how about the guy’s question? Like I said, I had a recent visit. As good as the place is, it’s not a miracle worker. I should have stuck to suggesting the shots and Pabst. —

Haleiwa Joe’s Seafood Grill

Getting in: Sun–Thu, 4:30–9:30pm, Fri–Sat 5:30–10:30pm Sunday brunch 10am–2pmSoundtrack: Hawaiian–jawaiian, live music Fri, 8–11pm

Signature drink: Mai TaisSightings: Michelle Pfeiffer, Jorge Garcia

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