Fiction Winners

Fiction Winners
From Eric Yanagi’s Waikiki ‘73
Image: eric y. yanagi 1973


Cover image for Dec 26, 2012

Fiction Winners / Fiction Winners

First Place

Kalihi Valley Girl

I’m only telling you this because I’m like nice and all and you’re the new girl at our school. I mean take a look at you, like seriously. The way you look, the way you talk, the way you feel–it all sends out a message. And the message I’m getting from you is a desperate cry for help.

Okay, for starters take your top. What does it say on your shirt? I like see. Ainokea? Like, what is that? I . . . No . . . Care. Isn’t that Pidgin? Isn’t that like that dumb moke brand? You like the slogan? “Ainokea, I Do What I Like.” You like it because you think it’s saying you should feel free to be who you wanna be no matter what people say? Au contraire. Sounds like it’s saying everyone shouldn’t care. Like you’re saying you want total chaos. Judging you from your hair, maybe you do.

And I don’t know if you do it, but you probably do do it because all you, what’s the word, tee-ta, all you tee-ta’s do it. You should avoid being all in your face and using uppity language like, “Ho brah, what, eye problems?!” and “Ho sistah, watch it!” There’s always classier ways to express yourself without resorting to the use of “Ho.” How many times do you hear H-town celebrities dropping the H-bomb? Well Kathy Griffin drops F-bombs, which I supppose is worse than the H-bomb. But as everyone knows Kathy Griffin is a D-list celebrity. For the A-listers, whom we all aspire to be like, if they can do it, we can do it too. For example, instead of saying “Ho cuz” to express your displeasure. You should get into the habit of saying something more educated and sophisticated like, “That’s way harsh” or “What-ever.”

I don’t know what we’re gonna do with you. Like, do you even work out? You go swimming at the beach with your parents and your cousins? Not even. That’s so ten years ago. Why would you want to be seen with your family? You need to get out, to be seen by people who like . . . matter.

And what’s this? Do you even open the light when you pick out clothes from your closet? My clothes are chic. Your clothes reek. Do you even think about what brands you wear? Where do you do your shopping? That’s what I like know. Goodwill? Like, oh, my God. Not even. You do? Are you homeless? My bad. I don’t want to be like a snob and half, but if you like fit in here, you should remember this advice. Thrift stores . . . don’t go there. Duh.

And what’s going on here? What are you holding? That’s a big fashion faux pas. You need to get yourself a purse. That is not a purse. That’s a wallet. You just carry around your wallet like that? You have to put your wallet in something. And the correct answer isn’t your backpack or your pocket. You need a nice satchel or a hobo bag. And you might’ve gotten some snaps for your ripper wallet back in elementary school, but this is high school. You need to lose the velcro and invest in something leather. Do you even read fashion magazines? Glamour? Lucky? Cosmo? No idea? Not a clue have you?

Is there anyone here at our school who you might consider to be your fashion icon? Gimme a hint? What alphabet does her name start with? Okay, that wasn’t the letter I was like expecting. Unless you think my name has a silent W. So which alphabet? E? E is okay. Are you thinking of Erica? Ewwww. Flared jeans and teased hair were so last season. That girl should like keep up, no? If you want people to like you, you should fully take notes on how Shanna and Nikki dress. They’re models you know. But they cheat a little because they have good genetics. They’re tall because their dad’s Haole. They don’t need five inch heels like you. No, you can’t wear five inch slippers. What are you? FOB?

Since you don’t seem to know anything about stores, lemme make it simple for you. If you’re really unsure about whether or not a store’s worthy, then you test it by seeing if Paris would go. What do you mean where? Paris is not a where. Paris is a who. Everyone knows celebrities who matter are all referred to by their first names only. What do you mean why is she a celebrity? She’s famous for being famous. Like duh. The Paris shopping test is simple. It goes like this. You ask, Prada? The answer is, Paris would go. Gucci? Paris would go. See, so the next time you’re considering buying clothes from Wal-Mart you put yourself in Paris’ Jimmy Choo’s and you ask Wal-Mart? And the answer is Paris would NOT go. In fact, Paris would be all like “Wal-Mart? Is that where they sell walls?”

Someday I wanna be like rich and have my own reality show and become a celebrity. I know, I know, it’s quite an ambition. That’s why my fallback plan is just to marry someone rich. If I can do that, then voila, the other pieces will fall into place. That’s why appearances are important. It’s for the career path I have chosen. I’m not vain. I’m not like Kim making a whole calendar with pictures of myself to show off my big booty. Because I don’t think I’m superficial. I believe beauty all starts from the inside, no? Beauty all starts from within. That’s why diet is important. Because if you put junk on your inside, you look junk on the outside. Simple as that.

Notice how I eat a lotta Lean Cuisine for my lunch. Generally, if what you’re eating sounds foreign, then it at least gives the appearance that you’re worldly. And you should make it a habit to say things like “The Fettuccini Alfredo is Esquisito” and “The Portabello Stuffed Rigatoni is trey fantastique.” If I’m gonna make it in H-town, people can’t know I’m from this rock. They have to think I’m cultured and cosmopolitan. This might be a little too advanced for you. You may wanna be like me, but not everyone can, okay? But you’re welcome to try.

Take a look at what’s in your package you got for lunch. What you got? The rule is if Jessica can’t identify your can good, then you probably shouldn’t eat it. I don’t think Jessica would know what you got there. She’d be all like what is Spam? Is that fish or chicken? It’s impossible to make Spam sound cultured. I’m sorry, but you can’t fool anyone with Spam. No matter what you say. I’m glad you’re sorta sticking to my rules. Nice try sounding international with your, “Dis Spam musubi is supa ‘ONO.” In theory that may be cosmopolitan, but rather than using Hawaiian you should stick to sprinkling Itallian or French words into your vocabularies.

When all else fails, remember this . . . Words are like fine wines. All the good ones come from France and Italy. Even California wines are highly regarded. So that’s why it’s totally okay to say phrases like “waaay” and “fer shur.” Afterall, you know what’s in California, right? Like, yeah. Hollywood baby. And that’s where I’m headed.