Readers’ picks

Mormons rock the steeple.

Best local club DJ

Various

The votes were all over the place here. Maybe we weren’t specific enough. There were votes for individual club DJs like spooky ooky DJ Nocturna, one of town’s premier turntablists. (Right on the money.) There were votes for clubs themselves like thirtyninehotel. (Close but not quite.) There was even a vote for a radio DJ, Brickwood Galuteria. (Way way off.) And then there was this one: The Mormon Church. Seriously? Well, at least nobody said DJ Vagina, not that we are going to criticize the Vag’s turntable skills, but damn, that’s a lame-ass name if there ever was one.

Best local theatrical production

Various

How about we take the first seven lines of the best local club DJ write up and make some slight alterations? The votes were all over the place here. Maybe we weren’t specific enough. There were votes for individual productions like Antigone. (Right on the money.) There were votes for theater troupes themselves like Diamond Head Theatre. (Close but not quite.) There was even a vote for none. (Way, way off.) And then there was this one: Zippy’s. Seriously? Well, at least nobody voted for the Joe Moore-penned Unlikely Lawman. Awful stuff, but not as bad as the sight of Mr. Moore in assless chaps would be.

So when do we throw toast? The Movie Museum does indie right.

Best place to watch independent films now that the Varsity is closed

Movie Museum

It was a sad day at Honolulu Weekly HQ when we heard the Varsity was closing. Although the establishment was only slightly less shabby than Smith’s Union Bar, it, well, like Smith’s Union Bar, held a special place in our hearts. Fortunately, the folks at the Movie Museum are there to pick up the slack when it comes to showcasing indie films on O’ahu.

Best local singer

Various

Look, you love Iz. We love Iz. But please, come on, the guy’s up in the heavens entertaining St. Peter, the Archangel Michael and the gang. He’s about as far away from Hawai’i as one can get. That said, the votes in this category were all over the place, with picks for Paula Fuga, Keali’i Reichel and Jack Johnson, all winners in our book.

Best public library

Kaimukl- Public Library

If you had asked us a few months back when we drafted the categories, we never would have guessed that the main branch of the library on King Street wouldn’t have been your top pick for the island’s best public library. Well, color us surprised, and quite grateful that we didn’t place a bet on this one. Congrats to the staff at the Kaimuki Public Library.

Editors’ picks

Best cover of a Beatles’ song by a ‘ukulele wunderkind

Jake Shimabukuro’s cover of ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps’

Can a ‘ukulele weep? Of course not, but neither can a guitar. What the hell was George Harrison thinking? Who knows, but whatever it was it was kick ass, and it provided the ample opportunity for Shimabukuro to show off his mad ‘uke skills.

Rained out

Least anticipated concert

Tie: Rain, Asia

Proving that nostalgia for all things ’80s can only be taken so far, early MTV-era supergroup Asia booked a couple of Hawai’i dates but canceled them due to ‘logistical issues,’ which may or may not be an euphemism for ‘poor ticket sales.’ That said, poor ticket sales were certainly a factor in the cancellation for a heavily hyped concert at Aloha Stadium by Korean pop superstar Rain. A slew of shows across the mainland were also canceled due to sluggish ticket sales, and a lawsuit was filed against the star and his management by Hawai’i promoters who claim the Korean promoters ‘never actually intended to produce a concert in Hawai’i,’ according to the Honolulu Advertiser. While the announcement of the cancelled concerts surely saddened Rain’s pre-teen fans, the rest of us were left wondering, who the hell’s Rain?

Best local theater troupe in need of a home

The Actor’s Group

The building that houses the Yellow Brick Studio is up for sale and The Actors’ Group is out a home. Here’s to hoping the theater collective finds a place that seats more than 17.

Worst recycled joke by a local comedian

Augie T.

Despite what Carlos Mencia does, it is not OK to steal another comedian’s jokes. And under no circumstances should you steal a joke that’s popular on schoolyard playgrounds or was originally published in Playboy. But that’s what Augie T. did on an episode of his skit television show. It goes like this: three guys of various ethnic and/or racial backgrounds trapped on a deserted island find a magic lamp. They are granted three wishes. The first two are wise and wish themselves off the island. The last one being a bit of a buffoon–and in this case, a f—— haole–wishes that he had his friends back. Cue the laugh track. Come on, Augie. You’re better than that.

Best sign that Satan is real and that he is involved in the Hawaiian music industry

Wonderful World

When Jon de Mello was adding string arrangements to accompany some tracks Israel Kamakawiwo’ole laid down before his death, he claimed that Bruddah Iz was looking over his shoulder. After listening to the syrupy reworking of ‘What a Wonderful World,’ we have to wonder if there was in fact another–far less benign entity–guiding the recording sessions.

Cherry Blossom Cabaret

Best WAY to see girls get half- naked without having to break a twenty

Cherry Blossom Cabaret

Unlike professional exotic dancers, the girls of Cherry Blossom Cabaret aren’t taking it off for the money–no law school tuition to pay for, no baby to feed, no drug habit to fund. They’re doing it for the love of burlesque. Mixing strip-tease style–emphasis on the tease–and liberal doses of cheekiness, Cherry Blossom has been breaking hearts and entertaining retro-fetish hipsters at clubs around town.

[www.myspace.com/cherryblossomburlesque]