Kimberly Bush:
Irish Rose Saloon

Jon Bjorkholm: Tsunmani’s

Patrick McGrail: Irish Rose Saloon, Pipeline Cafe

Ron Savoy:The Hideaway

Brenda Nishikawa:Da Smokehouse

There’s an old adage that says there are a select few people whom you never want on your bad side: your mechanic, attorney, chef, accountant and, if all those Scorsese and Coppola films are to be believed, your partners in crime. Fortunately, most of us don’t have to deal with any of those people regularly. But what about that possibly overlooked, most-important person in your existence: your bartender.

The bartender is a jack-of-all-trades–therapist, tour guide, commiserator, wingman, security guard and comedian–and yet their social importance is so often ignored. If there is but one credo that everyone should adopt, it’s that your bartender is the facilitator of good times for all, and thus deserves to be rewarded and appreciated. Just by simple observation, however, many seem in need of a refresher course in etiquette. Kids turn 21 every day, but growing up with vacuous me-centered media makes it easy to forget that it’s your bartender who makes you the best dancer, the funniest person, more attractive and most important. It’s your bartender who gives you the courage to get laid or to kick anybody’s ass who claims you’re not funny, hot or a big hit on the dance floor. That alone deserves admiration.

We spoke with a few of our favorite suppliers of liquid courage and inspiration to see how you can stay in their good graces. As you would expect, they had plenty to tell us. When asked about pet peeves, they answered quickly. ‘Fucking people,’ said one bartender without a moment of hesitation. ‘You know how some people can tell if somebody is going to be a headache as soon as they open their mouth? I don’t even need that. I can tell as soon as they walk in the bar.’

Another bartender mirrored that complaint. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I love the majority of people that I meet and serve. But I also drink less than I used to, because I want to make sure I never act like some of the people I’ve met while pouring drinks.’

But in terms of pet peeves, some of their answers may surprise you. We’re not going to identify who said what, because that would undoubtedly lead to people intentionally doing some of these same faux pas because they think it’s funny (it’s not, by the way). More important, see if any of these behaviors match your own, and then work on changing that behavior.

There was a time when people regarded the bartender with much more esteem. After all, the bar is supposed to be your place of solace and reprieve, where you, the barkeep and the patrons know each other’s names and interests, and topics of conversation flow from there. But lately, the culture of the too-cool-to-be-bothered crowd has marginalized the barkeep to anonymity.

‘It used to be that you treated your bartender as your friend,’ said one of our interviewees. ‘But now they come in and they don’t even look at you, or they’re wearing sunglasses and snapping their fingers. They have this idea that just because you happen to be working, you’re supposed to act subservient. I’m a human being, and as a human, I deserve respect. That gets thrown around by a lot of people these days, but what I see is they’re all demanding respect while being totally unwilling to give any to other people.’

Out of all of the complaints we heard, that’s the subject that came up the most. It makes sense, because if people did respect the bartender just a little more, they would ideally see the minor annoyances that build a slow burn of irritation toward the job. And most of these are easy to avoid.

Here are the rules according to your friendly bartender:

1. Wait your turn

We understand: You really need that next drink so you can work up the courage to talk to the pretty blonde at the other end of the bar. The bartender knows you need that liquid courage as well, and they’re perfectly willing to help you out. But when they’re laying out a plethora of drinks, most likely with several of them that have special instructions, it’s not the time to have their concentration spoiled by a high-pitched whine about how you’re thirsty. The same goes for when they’re counting money. They will address you when they’re ready, and ruining their concentration means you’re going to be waiting longer while they try and remember what they were doing before you interrupted. Shouting over the din of the crowd or worse, whistling, banging on the bar or snapping your fingers is only going to make them angry, and the only thing that blonde on the other end of the bar is going to see of you is your backside as you’re getting tossed out.

‘I had one guy who came in,’ explained one of our interviewees, ‘and he started snapping his fingers at me. I told him if he snapped his fingers at me again, I was going to break them off. He did it again and I threw him out. Why would you do that? Why would you want to make yourself known as the guy who is going to be a pain in the ass? It’s my job to get you that drink, and obviously I’m going to do just that. All you need is to wait your turn.’

2. Know what you want to order

Bottom line: Be aware of your surroundings. If the bar is four rows deep with people trying to order, ideal situations become a Zen-like affair. Know what you want and be ready to say so when it’s your turn.

‘I’ll have people who will stand there and wave their money or yell, which is only going to make us mad,’ said another mixologist. ‘And then you’ll come over to them and all they’ll do is stand there, slack-jawed with a long drawn out ‘uhhhhhhÖ’ If you’re trying to get my attention, we figure it’s because you know what you want. And you know, it’s a lot like McDonalds–the menu never really changes so you should know what you want before coming up to the counter. What they seem to forget is that it’s not just my time you’re taking, it’s everybody’s time, and that’s not fair to anybody.’

3. Have your money out

Don’t just have your order ready–have your payment ready too.. Despite the saturation of Visa commercials implying that you’re an asshole if you try to pay with cash these days (a commercial that makes all in the industry wince), cash is still king. That means have your money ready. And by that we mean large bills. If you’re at an unfamiliar place and you don’t know how much things cost, it’s easy enough to learn after a drink or two and by then you’ll have the smaller bills to work with. And don’t fold or crumple your money, because it means those behind the bar will have to spend that much more time unfolding it before they can serve somebody else.

‘Women are the worst about that,’ one bartender said. ‘They’ll make their order and then stand there and smile or play with their hair, and then when you tell them the price it’s like some sort of shocking revelation–’oh, I’m supposed to pay for this?’–and then they pull out these enormous bags and start digging around trying to find their change purse and meanwhile I have everybody staring at me waiting to place their order, and I just want to explain that I can’t do anything else until this person shoveling through her bag pays me.’

4. Get the order of your order right

Being aware of your surroundings means more than having your order and cash ready though, and it’s easy enough to figure out how you can make your bartender’s life easier. Realizing that these people are trained to snatch a bottle as soon as they hear the name expedites the process. Say the liquor you want first, for example, Jack and Coke. Tanqueray and tonic. Vodka and Red Bull. Not Coke and Jack. There’s no such thing. Order your mixed drinks together and the same goes for beers. Don’t make the bartender do laps; order everything at the same time. And maybe you really like the finicky drinks like mojitos or blended margaritas, but if it’s really busy, have mercy! Plus, do you really want to make everybody wait on your account?

Even we here at the Weekly aren’t immune to mistakes, despite seasoned investigative reporting. As a disclosure, we once visited one of our interviewees on New Year’s Morning, intending to get one of his incredible Bloody Mary’s. We ordered without first noticing how busy the bar was. He made it for us, but he’s also never let us forget it.

5. Respect Last call

The majority of suggestions from all interviewees mostly revolved around common sense factors. Know where you are–local dive bar means there’s no wine list and no blenders and conversely, a wine bar probably doesn’t have a discount on Pabst Blue Ribbon. You should also know your limits, because if a bartender thinks you’ve had enough, they’re in the best condition to judge, not you and they are in no mood to argue. Asking people to pour with a heavy hand is insulting because it suggest they pour weak drinks in the first place and besides, if you ask the gas station attendant to put a little extra in your tank, they’re going to charge you for it. If you really want a stiff drink, order a double. And never ask your favorite bartender to look the other way about illegal behavior–if they really are your favorite barkeep, you wouldn’t want them to get hit with a fine that can run in the thousand dollar range.

What might come as a surprise to some is that the common complaint doesn’t revolve around tipping. Part of that undoubtedly comes from working in an environment that serves many tourists coming from countries totally unfamiliar with the concept of leaving a gratuity.

‘The way I look at it,’ says one interviewee, ‘is that for the people that will pocket every bit of their change, I’ll have somebody who knows the situation and tips well. In the end, it equals out.’ But that doesn’t excuse everyone, they caution. ‘I also get a lot of people, people I see every day who will tell me all day long how I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread, and I’m their favorite, and they love me and yet they never think to leave me anything as a sign of appreciation. I mean, thank you for the complement, but if you like me so much, then perhaps you can throw a buck or two my way at the end of all of it.’

‘What you ought to remember is that the bartender, no matter where you are, is going to help you out,’ says another bartender. ‘If you’re new in town, we’ll tell you where to go or what there is to do in the area. If you’re local, it’s still likely we have information about something you didn’t know about. And if we like you, we’re going to introduce you to other people. You’ll have experiences you never would have thought of, if you make yourself worthy of recognition. All you have to do is treat us well, and we’ll do the same.’