When Irish eyes are bloodshot
Back in January, we reported on the Guinness Toast Contest at O’Toole’s Irish Pub. For those who can’t remember that far back (hell, we even had to go into the archives to look it up. Caught a copy editing error as well), the contest goes like this: grab a Guinness from the bar, for free no less. Approach the microphone stand. Give whatever toast you see fit, and drink up.
Yes, you say, but why? Well, there’s the incentive of the free beer, of course. But starting six months before St. Patrick’s Day, toasters and tasters celebrate the Irish, the Irish beer and anything else that comes to mind once a month until ‘P-Day.’ Most are there for fun, but a few, ourselves included, are more interested in the prize: free airfare and hotel room at Fitzgerald’s in Las Vegas. We went so far as to announce that we planned on winning this contest. If there is a lesson to be learned from our hubris, it would have to be this: Never underestimate the power of a blowjob allusion.
Finalists poured out their hearts and drank down their beers on Saturday, and though spectators were allowed to share in the revelry, meaning the crowd was treated to yet another variation of the ‘Here’s to you and here’s to me’ toast (followed by ‘May we never disagree. But if we do, screw you, here’s to me), which co-owner Bill Comerford says is the most common toast given, so you all need to try harder.
But it wasn’t all lowbrow and low blows, as shown by the finalists Jane Taylor and Rosanne Donohoe, who had to repeat their toasts at the end of the night as judges were unable to pick a clear winner and let the audience choose their favorite when ultimately led to Taylor wearing the ceremonial goofy Guinness hat, as well as the trip for two to Las Vegas. And so here we present Taylor’s winning toast:
If you find yourself lost in Dublin amongst boxers and rebels, remember what you are toldÖ
Head towards the closest rainbow and there you’ll find a shimmering pot of gold.
As you filter through the top layer of coins and chains,
you discover the real treasure that’s rooted in all Irishman’s brains.
Large pints of Guinness! Ready to by had,
and then a Fionn traveler who is no longer sad.
So drink up young lad, today is your day. Toast a pint to a stranger and then have him say,
may you proudly experience all that Ireland be,
with best wishes and safe travels as there are many pubs to see!
By the way, it should be ‘toward,’ not ‘towards.’ Toward.
No, we’re not bitter.–Dean Carrico
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