Entertainment

Image: Illustrations by Dana Paresa

Holiday Book 2012

Our first annual Holiday Book is sure to have the best gift for that materialistic, passive-aggressive friend who guilts you into buying them something for Christmas when they already have everything.


Cubsitting

It’s more than a babysitting experience. When Alex O’Loughlin and Malia Jones go see Wicked on Sunday, Snoop Lion will come over and hold their newborn son, Lion, while you sip on Lion Coffee, lay back in a beanbag chair in the corner and experience it, man, really experience it. Just be present for it, that’s all that ever matters.

The Latte and the Lions Experience
$19.99, plus a stash of your best kush

Some Kind of Wonderful

You and your favorite lover can enjoy a subtle candlelit dinner of spinach and herb agnolotti with chanterelle mushrooms and pecorino, prepared by Stevland Hardaway Judkins Morris, known to many as multi-instrumentalist Stevie Wonder*. If you have ever had his delicious tableside guacamole, you know it will be money well spent.

*Mr. Wonder may not be aware that he is involved with this package, so please do not ask him any questions; payment accepted only in cash and in advance.

A Wondrous Occasion
$200,000

Hydropower Harnessed

When weather makes a turn, your mate will look fashionable with this impressive display of nature’s power. This personal tsunami (a life-sized actual Hawaiian tsunami) comes in a cute pendant filled with three inches of raw power, only held back by tempered glass and charm. Sirens will wail and holiday block parties will be canceled as your sharp recipient struts this around town.

Just A Splash necklace
$25,000 or cost of rebuilding Chinatown

Gimme Shelter

Stick it to the man with this Occupy Honolulu starter kit complete with everything you need to silently voice your opinions. Nap in the four-room, ventilated army tent on corrugated cardboard donated by Wal-Mart while your eloquence is read on the plywood sign you strategically posted at Ward Ave. and Beretania St. A bar of Lever 2000 soap and a beard comb are included to round out this revolutionary experience. Let yourself go.

Occupy This care package
$9,000,000

The Golden Shaka

Start a new holiday tradition. Personalize your family snapshots by bringing Mayor Carlisle in on the fun. Known for his energetic public appearances and emphatic shakas, Carlisle knows just what to do to spice up the blasé photo op. But don’t limit yourself to just Christmas cards. Have him go gangnam at your: Weddings! Births! Funerals! Be creative. (But hurry. Time is running out.)

Pictures with Peter
no charge