Whatevs
Norm from Jelly’s
Best Scam You’re Too Smart to Fall For
Subscribe to Honolulu Weekly!
You do realize you got this paper for free, right? Imagine our surprise when one of you called in to inquire about your subscription, explaining that you’d forked over some cash to someone promising to deliver the Weekly along with two other local papers (never heard of ‘em). We’ll never solicit you, dear readers, so don’t fall for this kind of thing. And while we’re dishing out warnings, beware the company that charges a pretty penny to laminate our articles and mount them on plaques. We’re just as excited as you are that your fellow readers recognized your business as the best around, but we don’t endorse these commemorative plaques and, frankly, we think you’re getting ripped off. If you’re smart enough to be reading the Weekly in the first place, surely you’re too smart to be bamboozled by these guys. –A.L.
Best place to validate your inner geek
Jelly’s
Sure, there are plenty of stores that cater to your obsessive collecting habits, but there aren’t many that will cater to all of them at the same time. Whether you’re a bibliophile, a vinyl aficionado, a comic-book dork or a Dungeons & Dragons-playing malcontent, Jelly’s has you covered. Check out their extensive music selection of CDs and vinyl to see if they have that recalled Slayer album, pick up the newest book in the Twilight series, purchase a highly toxic, lead figurine of Elektra or the White Queen and get home to revel in it all before the jocks find out you’ve dared to step outside and give you a wedgie. –D.C.
Best spam-email subject line
Sarah Jessica Parker arrested for gross negligee
We laugh every time our e-mails tell us to update our penis. Or when they tell us what a stupid face we have. As we wade through our hundreds of e-mails, we pause and read more of our spam nowadays, as subject lines have gotten wittier. Sadly, we’re not the first geniuses to start a cache of dirty, vulgar and grammatically incorrect one-liners. Some assholes not only beat us in their collection of e-mail spam, but also took it a step further and made terrible cartoons. Laugh at the subject lines at [spamusement.com]. Then be disappointed at the crappy visual re-interpretations. Instead of just getting a bigger flute (circa 1996), we can now read how Angelina Jolie and Madonna are vying to adopt Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby.–M.S.
Best reason to vote
Vote
What’s your excuse this time? Wait, wait, let me guess. It’s that you’re really busy and you just don’t like any of the candidates, but actually you just don’t feel informed enough and you’re not really into politics because when it comes down to it maybe you don’t care. Well guess what, lazybones? It doesn’t matter why you aren’t voting. Not only do you miss out on sporting the fashionable “I Voted” sticker (patriotic chic), but you’re also waiving your right to complain about the person in office because, “Don’t look at me, I didn’t vote for him,” doesn’t deflect any blame if you didn’t vote for the person who might’ve won instead. In addition to helping pick a president this year, City and County of Honolulu voters will elect a mayor, a prosecutor, and five city council members. You only have until August 21 to register for the primary election. That’s just about a week, so get to it, people!
Registering is easy. Find out more at the City and County of Honolulu Elections Division homepage: [honoluluelections.org] –A.L.
